Campus Life Articles
By Eric Knoll
No matter the persistent Providence rainstorms of late, residents of Keeney Quad say spring fever is already here. While a fire alarm that went off late last Saturday night caused firefighters to search through Keeney for signs of smoke, the real sparks seemed to be happening outside where students clad in various states of undress waited patiently to be allowed back inside.
By Alexander Hare
A major drug bust was made yesterday at the Brown University greenhouse, located just off Lincoln Field. At approximately 10:00 AM, The Department of Public Saftey discovered massive amounts of Cannibas sativa being grown in the greenhouse by Brown student Michael "Ganja" Sanderson '09.
By Jamie Brew
Thieving villainess Carmen Sandiego covertly approached two Brown students returning from Trinidad in order to offer them two lucrative positions working for the Villains' International League of Evil (V.I.L.E.), according to an anonymous source.
The red-coated, fedora-wearing nemesis of the ACME detective agency was reportedly impressed by the two students, who managed to evade government search efforts for several days.
By A.J. Fitzgerald
Pointing to the recent April Fool's Day issue of the Brown Daily Herald in which the daily published fake, 'comedic' articles in place of their usual fare, Brown police have lifted the ban on public urination within a 1 foot radius of the distribution stacks of the campus publication.
By Steven Ellis
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin recently launched her first national campaign since becoming what many consider the largest pothole in Arizona Sen. John McCain's road to the White House.
Palin's newest program, Bring Your Daughter's Daughter to Work Day (BYDDWD), promises to provide more of the same traditional family values which failed to drive enough Republicans to the polls in early November.
By Alexander Rosenberg
In an America Online Instant Messenger conversation Monday, Sam Mattis responded to Jay Schwab's query of "wats up? [sic]" with "not much," before proceeding to ask Schwab, "You?" Further online communication revealed that little was up for Schwab as well.
By Samuel Carter
A coal to the Brown Daily Herald. In a shocking revelation that has rocked the Brown community, the Brown Daily Herald has been found guilty of using child labor to acquire the diamonds and coal necessary for the paper's weekly "Diamonds and Coal" award series.
By Andrew Newton
Students across campus cower in fear of an insidious monster who threatens every facet of humor, from irony to slapstick. Like a bright flower scorched to ashes by a flash fire, great points of comedy instantly fall flat at this man's feet. This mysterious figure is known only as the Joke Assassin.
By Alexander Rosenberg
In a movement its supporters call "revolutionary," growing numbers of self-defined "medium-height students" are calling for radical changes across Brown's campus - the main one being a dramatic increase in the number of "height-neutral water fountains" on campus.
By Matthew Klebanoff
After receiving a below average housing lottery number last month, Gary Palmer '12 didn't sulk like most rising sophomores. Instead, he cut off the big toe on his left foot.
Palmer said he made the decision to perform a self-amputation after hearing rumors about "sick housing" for disabled students, but he didn't actually sever his toe until after sharing the bad news about the housing lottery with his family last month.
By Andrew Newton
Brown University has received much media attention over past weeks as a result of one student, who some are hailing as the greatest hero in race relations history since that father character on Diff'rent Strokes. After months of research, background checks, data compilation, and bitter debate, Ronald Daggert '11 has been confirmed as having the most black friends per capita in all of the United States.
By Will Wray
A terrible misunderstanding led a number of well-qualified high school seniors to turn down Brown University's offer of admission. Following what they deemed to be an 'intolerant' encounter with one of Brown's most popular clubs, a number of high school seniors not yet prepared to be open about their homosexuality, as well as those who support them, have deemed that their tuition dollars will be going elsewhere.
By Adam Weinrib
We've all met them, we all know them, and we all try to avoid making eye contact with them when we see them coming towards us across campus. They're the Harry Potter nerds, and although we can sometimes barely stand their presence, it will no longer be an issue, since over the weekend actual dark wizards killed every single one of them.
By Tarah Knaresboro
Dexterously sliding into a prime front-row seat in his Advanced Computational Theory class last Wednesday morning, obnoxiously ambidextrous student Scott Gable '10 prepared to take copious notes.
To ensure everyone's acute awareness of his genetic mutation, Gable first put a notebook on the right side of his desk to take normal notes with his dominant hand, then put another notebook on the left side of his desk to count, using his other hand, how many esoteric words he could use within the lecture hour.
By Steven Ellis
For weeks, Robert Vass '12 literally thought he was going crazy. He would wake up in the middle of the night, his bed shaking in a violent, staccato rhythm akin to a small earthquake. A native of Parkfield, California, a small town which lies almost directly above California's San Andreas transform fault, Vass assumed the jolts were from just such a quake.
By Adam Wagner
The BCA announced last week that its Spring Weekend concert series would be held not on the Main Green but instead in a small computer lab in the CIT.
Records indicate that three months ago a student group was granted a request by Media Services to reserve both the Main Green and the OMAC from April 17th at 5pm until April 19th at 2pm.
By Eric Johnson
The nonexistent grade-point-averages of some 12 students are thought to be in jeopardy as word of a devious Machiavellian scheme in the English department spreads across campus.
Professor Alan Cooper, a tenured English literature professor with a Ph.D. in the written word of the abolition movement, "acted like a total dick," according to one of his students, in anticipation of his class's final exam.
<< Back to main page
