Campus Life Articles
By Adam Wagner
Valentine's Day has long been heralded as a day filled with love and boxes of chocolates, both the metaphorical and the delicious kinds. But this year Cupid's arrow struck far and wide, inflaming the passions of students and faculty alike all across campus and leading to a sexile epidemic unlike anything the University has ever experienced before.
By Kelly Lougheed
"I didn't think it counted," insisted Winston McKinney '13 of his experience frolicking on the Minnesota snow outside his grandparents' house during Christmas 1996. "I mean, I was only five-"
"You were only five?" spat Dwayne Jenkins '13, voice thick with tears, hunched miserably on the sofa in the therapist's office beside his roommate.
By Alexander Rosenberg
In what is being described as an effort to increase transcript transparency, the Office of the Registrar announced that next semester it will begin to offer a Win/Epic Fail grading option, in lieu of the old S/NC option.
Associate Professor of Religious Studies Maryanne Leftfeld strongly supports the change.
By Andrew Newton
What has been deemed by a Prospect & Meeting spokesperson as the "most astoundingly successful match yet, by default, we guess," began innocently enough. Mitch Henderson '11 and Gloria Fields '11, best friends since freshmen year, listed each other as "romantic interests" on the website as a joke.
By Andrew Newton
A veritable 'meat wave' is hitting the Brown campus as anticipation mounts for the first annual Ivy Sausage Fest, to be held next weekend. From bratwurst to kielbasa, the excitement is palpable among students who can hardly contain their desire to fit long tubes of hot beef in their expectant mouths.
By Lex Rofes
"I can become a starting power forward in the NBA," five foot six inch Arnold G. Pataki '12 exclaimed after an eight minute stint in the men's bathroom. "I allowed my friends and family to talk me out of my childhood dream, but after this historic dump I think I have what it takes.
By Jon Millstein
Hungry Brunonians seeking late-night eats this week have reported observing undeniable signs that famously well-behaved campus convenience store Little Jo's has entered a stage of violent teenage rebellion against his father, campus eatery Josiah's.
"Everyone knew that Little Jo felt suffocated by his dad, but he never said a word about it," said Todd Goldberg '10, longtime friend of the once shy and non-confrontational snack shop, "He was terrified of Josiah - who wouldn't be? I have trouble dealing with the fact that my dad can beat me at arm wrestling… his dad is forty times his size!"
"The guy was incredibly jealous, too," Goldberg added.
By Kevin Thomas
Prospect & Meeting recently revealed that the magic behind its dating service was not a highly sophisticated digital e-mail cross-reference love detector (as was popularly believed) but rather the female students of Mrs. Riccobono's fourth-grade classroom at Woonsocket Elementary.
By Sandy Student
In what can only be considered the opposite of a shocking development, Brown University student Gabe Brenner '13 texted no fewer than eleven of his friends the message, "what you guys doing tonight." Last night's mass text marks the twelfth incident in thirteen days.
By Hallie Cantor
Citing the fact that no one died, caught on fire, or contracted food poisoning at her fourth annual Lonely Hearts Valentine's Dinner, hostess Jill Werther '10 has declared the awkward, depressing gathering "a success!"
Werther was remarkably pleased with her ability to throw such an awesome party on short notice.
By Kevin Thomas
After several weeks of being ignored, put off, and slighted by Joshua Worthington '12, his political science paper finally decided to write itself last Thursday. According to the paper, this was fitting punishment for Worthington's disrespect over the course of their fraught relationship.
By Jamie Brew
In what is becoming more and more painfully representative of his directionless life path, Samuel Maurris '12 has yet to reach a decision on exactly which foods at the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall will constitute his Monday morning breakfast.
Despite having more than enough time waiting in line to decide what he wants to do with his breakfast, Maurris was reportedly speechless when asked for the third time what he would like in his omelette.
By Claire Peracchio
In a move combining the semantic flourish of the United States military and the solemn secrecy of an ancient mystery cult, the Ratty is instituting a policy aimed at keeping the already dubious origins of its many dining options firmly in the food closet.
"Don't get me wrong," said BUDS director David Samuelson.
By Adam Wagner
For centuries, Ratty diners have come to accept the inevitable truth that the BUDS batting average is deplorably low, both in its percentage of tolerable eateries at any given meal and its performance at the biannual kitchen/janitorial staff softball tournament.
By Samuel Carter
Last week Marvin Sandhurst '13 saved lives when he helped Providence Fire Department Ranger Unit #3 maintain calm during an evacuation from a burning house. Sandhurst, who emerged with from building with only what he called "a severe burn from a girl who didn't enjoy my pickup line," took it upon himself to assuage the panic of the guests at the house party by yelling "movie theatre.
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