The Brown Noser

Off Campus Articles

Popular Site Texts From Next Night Features Drug-Fueled Hovercar Mishaps, Drunken Hookups with Martians

By Hallie Cantor

The latest hit website, Texts From Next Night, posts text messages sent up to twenty years in the future, giving students clues about the future of the environment, national politics, and whether they will still be regularly "getting redic shity off karkov and hittign on my chem TA" (sic) when they are 35.

Devastating Fire Blamed Mainly on Negligence, Shifty-Eyed Man Holding Blowtorch

By Adam Weinrib

The month-long investigation of a three-alarm fire in nearby Woonsocket has finally yielded definitive results. While a lion's share of the blame is being placed on the negligence of the residents, a small portion of the responsibility for the blaze has been doled out to a sketchy man in a trench coat, observed near the scene of the crime grasping a military-grade blowtorch.

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