The Brown Noser

Issue date: 4/27/07 Section: Campus Life

UCS was tricked by shenanigans such as this sign.

In a stunning display of shameless exhibitionism, The Brown Noser convinced the Undergraduate Council of Students to grant it status as a Category III student group. This assignment allows for the Undergraduate Finance Board to provide The Noser with a budget to counteract financial losses incurred.

As far as UCS President John Gillis is concerned, the decision was surprisingly easy to make. "At our March 7 meeting, the entire Noser staff showed up. Naked," Gillis said. "Needless to say, it made everybody pretty uncomfortable. We tried to proceed as if nothing was out of the ordinary, but then they produced Double Dutch jump ropes-from God knows where-and just started jumping. As nausea set in, I knew the only way to get them out of the room was to give them what they wanted. To be honest, I didn't even call for a vote. I just brought down the gavel and made a break for the bathroom."

Noser editors Mitch Moranis and Steve Daniels agree that this development is a huge step forward in the success of their fledgling publication.

"Now, we are finally managing to scrape by," Moranis said, lighting a Cuban cigar with a twenty-dollar bill he had lit with a hundred-dollar bill. "Oh, uh, this cigar was a gift. From a friend. The pope. We are very close."

Daniels could only be reached for comment by phone, claiming to be doing "advanced hyper-reporting" at the Noser's west coast office.

"Yeah, no, dude. Publishing the strawberry daiquiri is crazy expensive. You can quote me on that. Wait." Daniels went on to explain that the majority of The Noser's money does not go toward printing the paper; rather, it is used to meet the costly and eccentric demands of the staff.

"Humor writing is really emotionally draining. You all read The Noser, and you're like, 'Hahaha those folks must have a blast writing this! It's so whimsical!' Idiots. This job is a waking nightmare, and it's only by spending money on preposterous shit that we manage to stay sane."

Preposterous, as it turns out, does not begin to describe the nature of these expenditures.

"I was suffering from serious burnout," explained Noser Copy Editor Raj Vaghjiani. "It used to take me five, maybe six hours to edit a four-hundred-word article. My hygiene, friendships, and sex life were all suffering. Now that I've encased my nipples in 24-karat gold, I can edit stories in just six minutes, leaving me
time to shower, spend time with my friends, and slip in a little hey hey hey."

Since the UCS decision, students have noted a surprising number of yachts sitting outside Champlin Hall, along with an M1A2 Abrams Tank.

"Finally, my creative juices can truly flow!" exclaimed Noser writer Ross Stackhouse as he bathed in an ivory tub full of Cristal champagne. "Now where the hell is my two-dollar whore?"

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