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Dear Chris

Chris Rice

Issue date: 4/27/07 Section: Opinion
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Dear Chris,
I have some ADOCH kids coming to stay with me, what should I do to show them a good time?
-Melanie Chisholm


Melanie,
Your question comes at a perfect time, for me if not for you. I just recently finished the preparations for my pre-frosh, so a response to your inquiry takes very little work on my part. The bad news, however, is that this paper will be published after ADOCH. So sorry, but seriously, get over yourself, it's not all about you. You're ridiculous Melanie. All I ever hear from you is Melanie, Melanie, Melanie. Melanie's above everyone else; Melanie wants answers to her questions to be timely and topical. La-di-da Melanie. You know what, Melanie? You get neither. I'm not even going to address your question. Everything always goes your way, and I think it's about time you didn't get what you wanted.
-Chris




Dear Chris,
Your first year at Brown is finishing up. What are your impressions after a quarter of your college career? Anything to say to incoming freshmen?
-Dkembe


Dkembe,
The main thing I've learned this year is that I severely overestimated the amount of clothes I wear. Besides that, I've had a pretty standard year. Here is my advice to incoming freshmen: no matter how much you think you'll use certain appliances in your room, it's not worth bringing them. Last summer I was so excited to bring a George Foreman grill to school, and then I never used it. It sat in my closet for all of first semester. What a waste. I've heard countless similar stories. One kid brought a weed whacker and a lawnmower, but he at least got to use them once this year. It seems like it's a common problem among freshmen to come to school over-prepared, at least in terms of the gear they bring with them. So, my advice to incoming freshmen is to pack light and only bring the bare essentials: underwear, socks, a vase, a table saw and a 2 pairs of pants. Good luck, freshmen, and Godspeed.
-Chris




Dear Chris,
What'd you think of Spring Weekend? I'm a big fan of The Flaming Lips, so that show was the best day of my year. Did you like it?
-Sara B.


Sara,
I also love The Flaming Lips. Wayne Coyne is awesome, and I was so excited to hear his thoughts while relaxing on the Main Green. His ideas are so clarifying and have so often helped to shape my own that I was sure I would leave Spring Weekend enlightened. You can understand, then, my disappointment at what I encountered there. Where was the lecture, Wayne? Your ideas, when they came through, were brilliant and inspiring, as I knew they'd be, but they were interrupted by long, Martian-sounding "music" and moronic (and environmentally harmful) confetti and hamster-ball displays. What were you thinking, Wayne? You're known for your ideas and your eloquence, this foray into exhibitionist, psychedelic entertainment was misguided, to say the least. I think the Brown community can get behind me when I urge you, Wayne, to put away the dancing Santa Claus troupe and return to the lecture podium where you belong.
-Chris
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