The Brown Noser

Issue date: 10/24/07 Section: Campus Life

Stevens will neither graduate nor have babies.

A minor disturbance was caused in the Absolute Quiet Room of the John D. Rockefeller Library late Wednesday as a threshold to the fiery depths of Hell burst forth through the floor. The gateway was opened at 11:57 p.m. after freshman Michelle Stevens, ignorant of Brown folklore, committed two of the University's most cardinal sins within a matter of mere hours.

Workers in the lobby of the Rock were quickly notified of the problem and called in a team from Brown's elite ghost-busting unit. The team moved to quarantine the area and was eventually able to close the portal. There were, however, a few minor incidents.

Allison Cooper, a graduate student studying for her doctoral degree in English literature, was reportedly offered a deal in which she would be granted the ability to discern the true meaning of James Joyce's Finnegans Wake in exchange for giving Satan her soul.

Other than that, a few at the scene suffered first degree burns, but most of the students seemed to be more upset by the disturbance of the peace than anything else.

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