The Brown Noser

Issue date: 11/30/07 Section: Campus Life

An architectural rendering of the new Urban Studies House.

In a press conference held yesterday afternoon, the Corporation announced a $100 million donation from rapper/millionaire Jay-Z to the Urban Studies Department. In recognition of the superstar's philanthropy, the department will be renamed "Jay-Z's School of the Hard Knocks."

"We been gettin' kicked and tricked all our lives," said Urban Studies concentrator Jake Andrews '08. "The Urban Studies House is in the slums! Finally someone be recognizin' our
strife."

The Urban Studies House will now be moved to Los Angeles, where it will be plated with gold and then plated again with chrome. Though some are excited about the prospect of having eight SUVs per concentrator, others are concerned about the transcontinental commute to their electives and extracurricular meetings.

Urban Studies and Economics Professor J. Vernon Henderson is especially bitter now that his course, Urban Economics, is being taught "jointly with Snoop Dogg" beginning next fall.

"I don't understand why people are so motivated by cash money," said Henderson. "All Professor Dogg knows about the urban environment is what it looks like through the tinted windows of his limo. It's a jungle out there."

Henderson is infamous in the department for his advocation of doing away with the Urban Studies House altogether. "How will students know what it's like out there unless they live out on the streets?" he said. "In fact, let's get rid of student housing and cafeterias as well."

But while Henderson is pushing for his theory of "Slum-Style Studies," as put forth in his book by that name, other professors are enjoying their new jets and flashy grills.

"So what if I now have to refer to dollars, euros, inches, and kilograms as 'G-Units?'" asked Professor Hilary Silver. "It's a small price to pay to be able to teach from my onyx tower," she answered.

When asked why he felt that the students of Brown University were particularly worthy of his generosity, Jay-Z stated, "Money ain't a thang… holla… you can't knock the hustle… uh… jiggaman."

Urban Studies students have thus far noted an increase in productivity and departmental interest since the Corporation's announcement. They are especially excited about their new handguns for use in gang fights against the Department of Rural Studies. In retaliation, the Rural Studies Department still does not exist.

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