The Brown Noser

Issue date: 11/30/07 Section: Campus Life

Media Credit: www.cyberpunkreview.com One of the modules Banner will use as a power source.

At a press conference earlier today, a representative from Banner announced that the digital class registration system will soon be powered entirely by human bio-energy, the culmination of a three-year, $24 million effort.

The new system draws electricity from vast fields of human beings suspended in a pink, placenta-like goo. The humans are kept entertained by an illusionary virtual world and tended to by robotic "harvesters" that feed the living with the flesh of the dead. By adopting the system, Brown is becoming part of a recent trend that has seen Princeton, Harvard, and Cornell power their registration process with human life force.

"Previously, Banner was powered by an anachronistic system where energy derived from coal, natural gas, or nuclear fission was transferred to Banner via a system of electrical wiring," the hulking steel envoy stated. "This system is no longer appropriate for the 21st century. The human generates more energy than a 120-volt battery and over 25,000 BTUs of body heat. Banner has found all of the energy it will ever need."

Some students were skeptical. "Is this really necessary?" asked Cathy Ho '08. "I mean, an enormous tower, rippling with lightning and studded by embryonic pods, where humans are no longer born, but grown? That money could have gone towards two-ply toilet paper."

Such sentiments are not unique, with the "Brown Students Against Human Bio-Energy" Facebook group reaching 1,500 members as of last Thursday.

"I think what we're seeing is an initial wave of outrage," said Associate Provost Nancy Dunbar. "Once Brown students realize that the integrity of the New Curriculum remains intact, they'll learn to love our system of raising human beings as a source of fuel. I mean, copper wiring? These aren't the days of Thomas Edison. What we're doing now is offering the same high quality courses as we always did. They're just offered more efficiently now, and built on a base of human suffering."

Banner itself declined to comment and also refused to confirm or deny rumors that it has sent a robotic assassin back in time to kill the mother of Dave Pacheco '07, creator of the Mocha online registration program.

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