The Brown Noser

Issue date: 11/30/07 Section: Campus Life

A student making the walk of shame after a Winnie-the-Pooh-themed party.

Last week, in the latest addition to the Plan for Academic Enrichment, Brown University unveiled its plans for a $26 million project called the Walk of Shame, which will connect various residence halls and the bathroom at Viva on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

According to University officials, the creation of the Walk will introduce new green spaces where students can gather. The path will also provide a well-kept, scenic route between wherever the hell students wake up and their rooms.

"The path can best be described as a monument to opprobrium," administrator Mark Dean explained. Many bricks of the walk will be engraved with timeless quotations, all of which touch on the theme of deep, crippling regret. The Walk will also feature marble statues of historical figures, which are depicted burying their faces in their hands or dramatically turning away from the viewer.

"Try feeling good about yourself while Statue Gandhi weeps for your wrongdoings," Dean said. "And if that doesn't work, I promise the perpetually-wilted flowers will."

Other features of the Walk will include water fountains filled with sand and mirrors to allow students to see how crappy they really look.

The Walk, completed this morning, has already met with praise from much of the student body.

"Sure, seeing the bums on Thayer Street had forced me to guiltily ponder my own affluent upbringing, and the tellers at Sovereign Bank screamed 'Harlot!' as I walked by, but that's Thursday for you," slut Amber Weedle '10 explained. "As I return from an evening of unforgivable sin, I want to be transported to another plane, one where I can fully immerse myself in soul-crushing disgrace."

"The Walk of Shame should be a good community builder, too," added whore Hannah Groeger '11. "Now everyone making the walk will have to awkwardly glance at each other when they cross paths, eventually forming a support group of hos and mack daddies."

Weedle and Groeger were among a group of students who pushed the Administration to take action on the matter.

Considering how long it is taking the University to complete higher profile projects like the Nelson Fitness Center, some suspicion has arisen regarding the speed with which the University began such an expensive and seemingly needless project.

"Let's just say I have a few more reasons to use it once it's done," Weedle remarked.

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