The Brown Noser

Issue date: 2/25/08 Section: Campus Life

One of the few plates still intact.

What began as a friendly wager between the competing staffs of the Verney-Woolley Dining Hall and the Sharpe Refectory has resulted in the largest display of bloodshed and broken plateware in the University's 244-year history.

First proposed by Executive Chef John O'Shea, the bet consisted of a contest of sorts between the staffs of the two dining halls. According to O'Shea, each staff served a member of the other kitchen a plate of mystery meat, and each taster had one guess to figure out what the meat was.

The successful guessing volleyed back and forth for five rounds until V-Dub staff member Stan "The Man" Morris stated that a plate of Alligator was actually Crocodile.

Stripped of his title as "The Man," Stan "The Stupid Fucking Dick Face" Morris was unavailable for comment on his embarrassing failure because nobody has seen him for weeks.

Morris's mysterious and thoroughly under-investigated disappearance is not the only tragedy to befall the V-Dub in the past weeks, however. Indeed, the carnage that has enveloped the V-Dub staff over the past month because of the lost competition has made their place of work appear less like a kitchen and more like a preview for 28 Months Later.

"We haven't seen this many decapitations in one month on campus since the Ultimate Frisbee team stopped using sharpened, titanium discs," said University historian Martha Mitchell. "It took us weeks to clear all the fingers off the field from all those sorry fools who tried to catch the damn things."

Members of the Ratty staff recently announced that, had they lost, they would have been required to perform a rendition of the Soulja Boy dance in front of a tour group.

When asked if they really thought the terms of the bet were fair, Ratty cooks pointed out that they gave the V-Dub staff the option of supermaning a ho without permission instead but they decided to "go for the physical challenge."

Little did the employees of the V-Dub suspect that their task would be less a physical challenge and more a test of psychological fortitude that would rock them to their very souls.

Chef O'Shea noted that the current state of affairs at the V-Dub was "regrettable," but that neither he nor any of the members of the Ratty's staff could be held responsible for their
colleagues' inadequate knowledge of the different varieties of animal flesh.

Continued...

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