The Brown Noser

Issue date: 2/25/08 Section: Campus Life

Donnelly doesn't use watered down pickup lines.

Friday night began like any other for Zachary Donnelly, Brown junior and "mad playa." At 9:30 pm, Donnelly left his room for a night of wholesome fun in the friendly, inviting atmosphere of a Phi Kappa Psi fraternity party. One hour and several drinks later, Donnelly was at the top of his game and ready to unleash his devastating, irresistible masculine charm on the room's female occupants.

"I was ready for some action that night, if you know what I mean," Donnelly said while gesticulating obscenely with his hips. "I had even put on extra Axe body spray, because I know it drives the ladies wild."

Donnelly's plans for the night were nearly derailed, however, when he found himself the reluctant object of the attention of Felicia Harmen '10.

"I saw her checking me out from across the room," said Donnelly. "I don't know what she was thinking because I was clearly way out of her league. I mean, she must have been a five or a six at the most and I'm at least a nine."

Despite Donnelly's attempts to dodge Harmen's affections, first by averting his gaze and then by surrounding himself with a circle of attractive female admirers, Harmen remained resolute in her pursuit of him.

As Harmen sidled over to Donnelly's side with a predatory look in her eye, Donnelly says that there was only one thing he could do to save his social standing and maintain his reputation as "Brown University's #1 ladies' man."

"The situation called for drastic measures, so I did the only thing I could. She walked up to me and I said 'Hey baby, is your tank empty? Because I can pump your gas all night long.'"

Much to Donnelly's chagrin, however, rather than being driven away, Harmen responded to the proposition affirmatively and enthusiastically.

"What. The. Hell," said Donnelly incredulously. "I mean 'pump your gas all night?' Really? How desperate could she be?"

Luckily for Donnelly, the stunned silence that followed Harmen's acceptance of his offer managed to save him where his embarrassingly bad pick-up line could not. As Donnelly stared at Harmen with a mixture of silent awe and horror, Harmen attempted to continue the conversation with him. Donnelly, however, remained too shocked to speak and after his silence stretched on awkwardly for two full minutes, Harmen finally left him, ensuring that Zachary's self-conferred status as a "connoisseur of fine women" would remain intact for another night. Harmen expressed mild disappointment at Donnelly's failure to respond to her, but said that she was determined not to let it get her down.

"I thought there was a real chemistry between us, you know, something that transcended words. I wish he had said something else to me," she said. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have to go back to self-service for a while."

Page 1 of 1

Article Tools