The Brown Noser

Issue date: 2/27/09 Section: Opinion

In December the Brown Noser published a profile of then-prospective-Brown-freshman Emma Watson. Since then, additional information has come to light that called to our attention several factual inaccuracies in the December article. We at the Noser think nothing more important than the public's right to accurate news coverage, and what follows are the corrections of said inaccuracies found in said article.

1. The headline of the article presented Ms. Watson as a "Student, Actress, Caring Person." Please note that where 'caring person' should be removed from this title, 'traitor' may be appended.

2. The December article stated that students who had a chance to meet Ms. Watson as she visited campus were struck by "how normal she seemed," reflecting the fact that even though she is a celebrity, she is really just like any of us. In actuality this is probably a reflection of the great lengths to which Ms. Watson goes to appear human and to seem like she cares about us, when really she only wants to lead us all on and cruelly break our hearts.

3. In the fourth paragraph, it was suggested that "students may look forward not only to hearing Emma's stories of life as a big-time actress, but also to the intellectual stimulation and energy she will contribute to the Brown community." Obviously, Brown students can no longer look forward to either of these things because she isn't coming ever. Not ever. Moreover, it is doubtful that she would even have contributed anything anyway due to the fact that she is a soulless Cambridge-loving whore no college would even want in the first place.

4. Ms. Watson's birthday was listed in the original article as March 15, 1990. The actual date was April 15, while the year turns out to be so far in the past that Ms. Watson is exactly as old as Hell itself.

5. One line in the article claimed that "at heart, however, Emma is an actress." This is an error, as Ms. Watson has no heart.

6. The profile listed some of Ms. Watson's activities, including tennis, fashion design, and fly fishing. However, it also neglected to include her favorite activity: destroying the lives of people who try and try to please her but she doesn't even notice because she thinks she's so amazing and can just do whatever she wants without even thinking about my feelings. I hate you, Emma Watson! You never meant anything to me, and even if it seemed like I cared, rest assured that I never did, you bitch! It's always the most beautiful people who have the most empty and remorseless souls within.

7. Earlier in this series of corrections, this writer may have expressed some feelings that he didn't actually mean. And as he sits here in his dorm room, alone at 9 o'clock on a Saturday night, he realizes that he could just hold down backspace on his keyboard for a minute and all this would go away. But what's said is said, and Ms. Watson has the right to know how he feels. Even if it means they can never be together.

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