Red Delicious Apple So Fucking Delicious
Tarah Knaresboro
Issue date: 4/24/09 Section: Arts & Leisure
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After a few minutes of browsing, Wretch pounced, catlike, upon a small red object in the corner, one oft overshadowed by the razzle-dazzle of the edamame and pita chips. This red delicious apple, he concluded, would certainly suffice as a final accompaniment to my humble meal.
Peter Braeburn '10, Wretch's friend and dining buddy for the evening, at first noticed nothing unusual. "We just sat down, you know, and started going to town on that pepperoni. Slides through the old esophagus like a greased pig." After pausing to enjoy his play on words, Braeburn's expression turned somber. "Then it happened."
Witnesses reveal that at the moment of contact between Wrench's mouth and the fateful apple, time literally stood still. "The clock stopped, and what appeared to be confetti fashioned from old table slips filled the room," noted one anonymous observer. "It was freaky."
Wretch's eyes widened, and for one panicked moment Braeburn feared the scene was all-too-reminiscent of Snow White, not that he ever watches Disney movies. "I thought he had been poisoned or something-his eyes got wider than Santa's belly and he was stock still, juices dribbling down his scraggly facial hair."
"THIS APPLE IS SO DELICIOUS," bellowed Wretch manically, immediately after regaining his speech capabilities.
Bystanders watched in awe as Wretch proceeded to gobble up the remainder of the fruit greedily, pausing only to spare the seeds of his prize and save them in a vial he stole from Chem lab in case something like this ever happened to him.
After the incident, friends described Wretch as becoming nearly unrecognizable, save for his scraggly facial hair, which his ex-girlfriend states is "always like that." "He's changed, turned a new leaf, reached enlightenment or Zen or chi or something like that," notes roommate Alexander Hummel '10. "Every day I hear about how fucking delicious that apple was, and how he's going to do something about it once and for all."
Wretch has since abandoned his economics and public policy double concentration in favor of becoming a Johnny Appleseed protégé, scattering his seed like a nymphomaniac vagabond all about the Americas.
"The popularity of the red delicious is declining, and everyone knows it," Wretch said. "Once valued for its taste, those supermarket whores now only buy the flashy red ones, pretty on the outside but bland, vapid and useless on the inside, like a pageant queen or a philosophy textbook. Nobody appreciates them now. I'm here to change all that. This is my calling."
Pioneering a revamped breed of apple called Red Fucking Delicious, Wretch has already begun his quest in Rhode Island and some parts of Massachusetts, planting seeds in every city he visits. Correspondents follow him on the trail, but only time will tell how fruitful his crusade will be.
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