The Brown Noser

Issue date: 4/24/09 Section: Campus Life

Media Credit: Fraser Evans All contents of the greenhouse have been temporarily moved to Thete during the investigation.

A major drug bust was made yesterday at the Brown University greenhouse, located just off Lincoln Field. At approximately 10:00 AM, The Department of Public Saftey discovered massive amounts of Cannibas sativa being grown in the greenhouse by Brown student Michael "Ganja" Sanderson '09. According to sources, over the past few years Sanderson has been the preeminent dealer of marijuana on campus, otherwise known as the "most awesomest dude since The Dude himself."

With his cover blown, the extent of Sanderson's dealership is only now coming to public fruition. Eli Pierson '10 expressed his awe over the situation surrounding Sanderson. "He was a legend. If you wanted weed, you went to Ganja." Pierson went on to laud Sanderson's use of the greenhouse. "What a brilliant idea. No one EVER goes in there. And that sign on the door: 'Open to Public, 7:30-3:30'… that's just brilliant reverse psychology." When asked what implications the bust will have on the Cannabis trade at Brown, Pierson predicted there would be a void in the trade for about "an hour or so," but would "expect the market to recover relatively quickly."

Nevertheless, the void did lead to brief but widespread devastation across campus. Late night eateries cited a significant drop in customers, and one of the brown co-ops, unable to wait out the shortage, was forced to shut down within a half-hour. One student reported having to defend his "emergency stash" from a mob of weed-deprived zealots. "I fended them off for a while with my large assortment of bongs, but once they broke down my door I was forced to charge up the taser. It wasn't pretty."

DPS made the bust yesterday after being tipped off by prospective student Sandra Wilkins, who accidentally entered the greenhouse after being separated from her campus tour. "When I walked in, I saw a large animal shrouded in the greenery. I thought it was a rabid dog or maybe even Bigfoot. When DPS brought it out, I realized it was actually a person. Between the shabby clothing and mangy beard you really couldn't tell. He looked like he hadn't showered in weeks."

Continued...

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