The Brown Noser

Issue date: 4/24/09 Section: Campus Life

Media Credit: Getty Images Many prefrosh are closet hikers who would be devastated if their outdoorsiness ever came to light

A terrible misunderstanding led a number of well-qualified high school seniors to turn down Brown University's offer of admission. Following what they deemed to be an 'intolerant' encounter with one of Brown's most popular clubs, a number of high school seniors not yet prepared to be open about their homosexuality, as well as those who support them, have deemed that their tuition dollars will be going elsewhere.

The Brown Outing Club was a conspicuous presence on the Main Green as the ADOCH pre-frosh filed through to tour the campus. Several members had set up a so-called 'slack-line' on the main green while three more members manned a table, hoping to net a few enthusiastic high school seniors for a summer camping trip.

Chet Andrews, a closeted ADOCH attendee from conservative Utah, broke into a cold sweat upon seeing the giant 'Outing Club' sign set up in the main green. He immediately traced his steps back towards the Van Wickle gates, dialing his home number.

"Mom, Dad? I don't want to go to Brown…Why? I think I want to…Yeah, I want to go to Brigham Young University, so I can stay with Stacey [Chet's girlfriend of 5 years, who attributes his complete lack of physical interest in her as a sign of deep-rooted religious beliefs]."

Derek Conway, from Houston, Texas, found himself in a traveling herd of pre-frosh. His view of the Outing Club table was obscured by the backs of other pre-frosh eagerly asking each other "Where you from?" and "What do you think you're going to major in?" until he was mere feet away from the sign-up table. Derek had been questioning his heterosexuality for several months now, but he was unprepared to confront the issue in public. He felt a momentary jolt of terror as Katie Howe, the enthusiastic table volunteer, loudly proclaimed "We are the Brown Outing Club!"

He felt an enormous surge of relief when it occurred to him that 'outing' more likely referred to outdoor trips and adventures rather than the deplorable practice of revealing someone's homosexual tendencies against his or her will. His relief was short-lived. Upon seeing that Derek's keys were attached to his belt by means of a carabiner, BOC volunteer Katie Howe jumped up from the table in a bout of mistimed enthusiasm, pointed at Derek's belt, and shouted:

Continued...

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