The Brown Noser

Issue date: 4/24/09 Section: Campus Life

Media Credit: Ross Stackhouse Prospective freshman Emma Watson's decision to atted a more wizard-friendly university is the only known drawback of the slayings

We've all met them, we all know them, and we all try to avoid making eye contact with them when we see them coming towards us across campus. They're the Harry Potter nerds, and although we can sometimes barely stand their presence, it will no longer be an issue, since over the weekend actual dark wizards killed every single one of them.

"It was jarring, man," said Chad Phelps '12. "My roommate used to talk that Potter stuff all the time. He always used to call himself 'a total Dudley' when he said something rude, and he sometimes used to chase pigeons up and down Thayer Street, attempting to tie letters and packages to their claws. But then when I woke up this morning he was gone, and all that was left were the words 'You're welcome' singed into the wall of our dorm room."

"I never thought I'd see the day when this actually happened," Melinda Rose '10 told us. "I mean, I met this kid, like, the third day of school. I don't actually think he ever told me his name, but he wouldn't take off his freaking Dumbledore hat, so I always knew it was him coming. We'd wave or whatever, exchange pleasantries. Then, one day, he sat next to me in chemistry, and broke the ice by saying, 'Man, wouldn't this be so much cooler if this was potions class at Hogwarts?' I kind of gave the obligatory chuckle, but then he continued, in a fake British accent, 'Professor Snape, I seem to have misplaced my essence of newt.' That was it, I gave him up as an acquaintance after that moment."

"When I heard that the dark wizards had finally swooped in and killed him," Rose continued, "I have to say that I could not have been less upset if I tried. Kudos, dark wizards. You picked out a winner."

Some students have voiced a bluntly rational opinion on the subject, like Sean Fitzpatrick '11. "Those kids sickened me," he said, as he kicked away a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans wrapper. "I mean, did they seriously want to go to Hogwarts? Such morons. I mean, to even think about going to a top notch Wizard academy, and to not prepare for the presence of dark wizards by casting a repellent charm around your body? I mean, such a notion is ludicrous."

After kicking Fitzpatrick swiftly in the groin, I wandered across the main green, trying to soak in a life after Potter nerds. The campus was quieter. Nobody was talking about spells, and the only people carrying around vials of potions were trying to cook meth. Frankly, I've never felt more alive. It seems there are only two things these "Potter Heads" will never be able to do: see their beloved Hogwarts and enjoy a first kiss. This reporter, for one, couldn't care less.

Page 1 of 1

Article Tools