The Brown Noser

Issue date: 4/24/09 Section: Off Campus

Media Credit: Adam Wagner Some have questioned the Holy Father's objectivity on this matter

Some people do it every now and then. Some do it multiple times a day. Some are simply addicted. But regardless of how often you do it, the Catholic church wants you to stop it.

Googling yourself, a longstanding pastime since Google's launch in 1998, is just as wrong in the Catholics' eyes as murder, adultery and wearing non-silly hats, according to Pope Benedict XVI. Speaking from his balcony in Vatican City, the Pope said Googling is a strong contributor to society's moral decay.

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur Google elit," he said. "Ut fermentum. Donec I'm Feeling Lucky ultricies Googling. Aenean diam elit, lacinia click, convallis. Googales eunt domus."

Unfortunately, this reporter could not understand His Holiness' speech, but one can only assume it made just as much sense as his forthright proscription that holding a Bible in front of the penis before sex is a more effective method to ward off AIDS than wearing a condom.

Church officials who know how to speak American say the Pope is especially worried about the effect Googling is having on the world's young people.

"Too many times, we find pubescent boys Googling themselves, all alone in darkened rooms, staring intently at the computer screen, one hand lazily typing away at the keyboard," said Cardinal Steven McGuire. "It's a bad scene. They just can't stop."

With a little help from Google News, The Brown Noser has discovered that Pope Benedict XVI may need to carefully choose the words of his next public statement on Googling. In 2002, when his Holiness was still Joseph Ratzinger-"Zing" to friends and family-he was a member of the Google Youth, according to an article from the Times of Turin.

For the uninitiated, members of the Google Youth often march in public squares chanting "I am feeling lucky! I am feeling lucky! I am feeling lucky!" with both arms held in front of their torsos, poised above an invisible keyboard. Self-Googling hardly scratches the surface of their perversity, but, for decency's sake, this reporter will not delve into the details of how they abuse Google Maps and Google Image Search.

"That, uh, that, that…um," said Cardinal McGuire when pressed for comment on the issue. "Uhhm…" he added.

Google CEO Eric Schmidt said he does not feel threatened by the Catholic church's crusade on Googling oneself.

"Really, who pays attention to the Catholics anymore?" he said. "Their tyrannical time of trying to take over the world by imposing their methodology on the brains of society has long since ended. Now it's Google's turn. Mwahaha."

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