The Brown Noser

Issue date: 4/24/09 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: facebook.com

POINT: What's the Point of that Stupid Wingdings Font?

By Rodney Wilkins

For as long as I can remember I have enjoyed using Microsoft Word for all my word processing needs. I appreciate its simple interface, auto-formatting, and extensive editing options. Of course, like any computer program, it does have certain drawbacks, such as its untrustworthy spell-check and that obnoxious animated paperclip-but these are minor nuisances. But there is one glaring problem that cannot be ignored-an ongoing, inexplicable problem that threatens to undermine the entire professionalism of the program as whole. That's right: Wingdings.

Microsoft Word has many fonts, ranging from the sophisticated "Helvetica" and "Chicago" to more the more exotic "Papyrus". For the most part, all of these noble fonts have their own valuable roles. Wingdings, however, has no place among these other fonts. It is merely an asinine conglomeration of arbitrary symbols-mailboxes, skulls, airplanes-none of which bear any symbolic resemblance to the characters they are intended to express. It is not even a language! Just the bastard child of some deranged programmer. And, strive as I may, I cannot imagine a single situation in which this pitiful font could be used.

Given the utter uselessness of Wingdings, imagine my horror and disgust upon discovering there were THREE different versions of Windings! That's right, Wingdings 1, 2 and 3! As if one meaningless alphabet wasn't enough! Who keeps creating these things? Am I to believe they added these additional variations out of popular demand?! But wait, it gets worse. Each version has its own uppercase and lowercase alphabet. That makes for a total of 156 idiotic characters! I wish someone could offer to me a satisfactory justification for Wingdings' existence, but until that happens it will remain what it has always been: an insult to me, Microsoft Word, and everything we stand for.



COUNTERPOINT: WINDINGS ALLOW YOU TO EXPRESS YOURSELF IN WAYS THAT REGULAR CHARACTERS DO NOT

By Andy Howard

WINGDINGS ARE A FASCINATING MEDIUM, ONE THAT DESERVES MORE RESPECT THAN YOU ARE GIVING IT. PERHAPS THE MOST MIRACULOUS THING ABOUT WINGDINGS IS THAT NO ONE CAN READ IT. IT ONLY MAKES SENSE IF YOU HIGHLIGHT IT AND CONVERT IT INTO SOME OTHER FONT, LIKE YOU INEVITABLY DID. THAT'S RIGHT, SEEMS CURIOSITY GOT THE BEST OF YOU DIDN'T IT? YOU JUST HAD TO SEE WHAT WAS BENEATH ALL OF THESE FINGERS, FLAGS, AND SMILEY FACES.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS! WELCOME TO A WORLD OF WONDER. YOU SEE IN WINGDINGS I CAN TYPE WHATEVER I WANT AND NO ONE WILL KNOW (EXCEPT FOR CURIOUS LITTLE RASCALS LIKE YOURSELF THAT IS). I CAN TYPE RACIST SLURS, DIRTY WORDS, EVEN MAKE DEATH THREATS WITHOUT EVERYONE RAISING A FUSS. REMEMBER EVEN IF NO ONE ACCEPTS IN THE REGULAR WORLD, THE WINGDINGS WILL ALWAYS ACCEPT YOU. WE DON'T JUDGE .

SO AS YOU CAN SEE, WINGDINGS ARE FAR MORE THAN SOME "ASININE CONGLOMERATION OF SYMBOLS". THEY ARE A WORLD IN THEMSELVES. A MAGICAL WONDERLAND OF SECRETS. WHEN AND IF YOU CAME HERE LOOKING FOR SECRET DIRTY WORDS, SHAME ON YOU! BUT I SUPPOSE I OWE YOU SOMETHING: SHIT, FUCK, BITCH, PISS, DONKEY PUSSY, ENFLAMED SYPHILIS, TIT GOBBLER, BLUMPKIN, JC PENNY, POO.

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