The Brown Noser

Issue date: 10/23/09 Section: Science and Technology

Media Credit: Sam Eilertsen The letdown has divided the scientific community by zero.

Scientists everywhere held their breath giddily, gasped, and defeatedly slouched in their ergonomic swivel chairs last Friday, as an Unstoppable Force narrowly whisked past an Immovable Object somewhere near Oklahoma City. Like Haley's Comet or a Pixar movie, the much anticipated encounter of Force and Object was projected to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Unfortunately for the scientific community, however, now the only pending once-a-lifetime opportunity is a Sunday afternoon Project Runway marathon lubricated with a tub of Chunky Monkey.

Before Monday, the impact was being hyped as the can't-miss event of the scientific season, comparable to a layperson's perspective of the Super Bowl. "We rarely use the microwave emission tube for recreational purposes," began chemist Arnold Hapsland, "but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a bowl of popcorn going around the 'boratory on Monday. That's what we call the… you understand."

Many scientists were unequivocally sure of the impending encounter, making their devastation all the more severe. "All of our studies showed that the collision was imminent!" said puffy eyed astrophysicist Claude Macnemore, "but nature can be such a tease sometimes." Macnemore expounded on his metaphor, describing in detail the "seductive fire in Mother Nature's eyes" as she "flashed her Earth tone panties" before "wagging her devilish finger and revealing her acorn-embroidered chastity belt," and then "giggling amongst her friends and returning to the bar." Macnemore added, "Ugh, women.-I mean, science."

This letdown is but another blow in a recent string of scientific near-phenomena. Last month, geneticist Al Blenton claimed to have proven that the Chicken did indeed come before the Egg, but revoked the claim when a colleague of his inquired as to where the Chicken hatched from. Days later, Greek marine biologist and philosopher Xeno Platotle's proof that motion and displacement are illusions was rendered untenable when it was discovered that he was walking on a treadmill when his discovery was recorded. Calvin Schrödinger, descendant of famous theoretical quantum physicist Erwin Rudolf Josef Alexander Schrödinger, also confessed on Thursday that his cat Scruffles had indeed died from malnutrition and extreme radiation poisoning. "Nobody likes dead kittens," declared Schrödinger woefully, "except for that Barack Obama." Schrödinger went on to announce his candidacy for the U.S. presidency for the 2012 elections on a platform of "pro-simultaneous life and death."

The Unstoppable Force in question, known in some circles as "Zeus's Bullet," was a spitball fired by Athenian lawmaker Solon over two thousand years ago, which has since gone into a close orbit around the Earth. The Immovable Object is called affectionately by locals the 'Excalibur of the West,' a large tractor that was haplessly ensnared in an Oklahoma tar pit during the Great Depression. Their next encounter is slated for September 14th, 6132. Many scientists have already issued "Save the date!" notifications on Facebook and other social networking mediums. Geologist Omar Pajeevens tweets, "I guess all we can do until then is twiddle our thumbs and try not to get too excited. Not gonna lie though, I'm pretty fucking psyched!! :P SCHRODINGER FOR PREZ!!!!"

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