Confused Student Misinterprets Request for Naked
Alex Hare
Issue date: 12/4/09 Section: Campus Life
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The peeler was Marc Baldwin '11, who made haste to explain himself after being found passed out in a bush the following morning. "Well, I was making my daily blackout run to Jo's when one of my bros asked me if I wanted to get naked," said Baldwin. "Turns out he was referring to Naked Juice and not the veritable state of nudity. By the time I was down to my gonads my friends had bolted, leaving me to belligerently locate my clothes after I had stolen two Spicy Withs, three mozzarella sticks, and a gallon of Odwalla Juice. Which I'm pretty sure is the same thing as Naked anyway."
Eyewitness Parker Scabbard '10 shared his thoughts on the incident. "It's unavoidable really. With the university endorsing drinks like Naked and snacks like Bear Naked, you have to wonder what its motivations really are." Scabbard stated he would definitely place the incident in his "top-twenty-five strangest experiences at Brown," estimating the occurrence to be about as frequent as "birds nesting in the Ratty rice pilaf."
Baldwin remains unperturbed by the reactions of gaping onlookers like Scabbard. "If you're at Jo's at 1 a.m. on Saturday night and sober enough to freak out about a little trou-dropping, you're obviously doing something wrong," he said. "Plus, at least my version of naked doesn't cost a whole meal credit."
Similar incidents involving miscommunication and nudity are not unheard of. Much to the panic, awe, and general perturbation of his students, music professor Derek Williams proceeded to engage in a striptease last week after being asked if he "had mojo." What Williams did not know was that the question was actually about the music-sharing program Mojo, which a student hoped to use to retrieve songs from the Professor in preparation for the final. Regardless, Williams succeeded in scarring his students forever to the tune of Beethoven's 5th symphony before a fire alarm eventually incited them to flee.
"At first I tried taking notes about the metaphysical relationship between Beethoven and cheap prostitutes, but it soon became clear that was not Professor Williams' intention," said Kelsey Collins '12. "By the time he got down to his Pink Panther boxers I think the very fabric of the universe had been so ruptured that the fire alarm went off all by itself."
The actions of Baldwin and Williams, while upsetting some, have found support amongst other members of the student body. "I found their moves both daring and commendable," said Taylor Gleeson '12, while making a Naked Donut Run to wide-eyed freshman cramming for finals in The Rock's absolute quiet room. "Just the other day I made it through three whole classes au naturale before a student kindly asked me to 'show some humility.' That's Brown for you. But anyway, whaddya say to some good old 'nuts? If those aren't your style I've got some holes as well."
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