Hair in Keeney Bathroom Drain Actually Rare Species of Domesticated Squirrel
Maggie Pace
Issue date: 12/4/09 Section: Campus Life
While in the shower, Scott Seymour '13 discovered much more than a mysterious hickey on his abdomen when he noticed that the abnormally large hair plug in the bottom of the Keeney bathroom drain had started to quiver.
The situation quickly escalated when the supposed hairball bit the unsuspecting Seymour. The freshman fled the bathroom, naked as a sexually frustrated SexPowerGod attendee, and immediately called Facilities, who detained the furry creature for further investigation.
The Biology Department requested a look at the animal upon learning of the uniquely camouflaged organism. They were excited to find that the animal was actually a rare species of domesticated squirrel.
In an informal hallway survey of whoever was bored enough to answer Seymour's questions, most students reported having seen the abnormally large mass of hair in the shower for two weeks prior to the incident.
"I guess I'm kind of relieved that it was just an unclean and possibly rabid animal and not the usual stuff we find in Keeney," said Elena Franco '13.
The creature did go unnoticed by some, such as Marcia Thomas '13. "As soon as I enter a communal bathroom I always adopt the motto of 'Hear no evil. See no evil. Feel no evil.' That way I don't have to know the identity of whoever recreated the Valentine's Day Massacre in the stall next to me. It's saved me thousands of dollars of therapy," said Thomas.
The squirrel has only been encountered once in recorded history-in a Russian gulag cell. What initially puzzled the Biology Department most was how the creature managed to survive for so long when it requires a steady diet of caviar, vodka, and Dostoyevsky.
"It's a surprisingly cultured animal considering its grimy appearance," said Biology Professor Fred Jens.
Further inspection of the bathroom did yield traces of caviar, possibly left over from a "Moscow Bros and St. Petersburg Hos" theme party thrown in 2003. Also uncovered was one mildewed copy of War & Peace, likely tossed into a corner out of frustration with Brown's notoriously challenging Russian Lit course, and several hundred gallons of Smirnoff that had seeped into the tile grout over many years.
Though the squirrel mystery is solved, Facilities now faces the problem of students blaming their other embarrassing bodily functions on strange natural phenomena. The organization would like to announce that it will not be responding to any more calls regarding "spontaneously-appearing regurgitated material," no matter how "mysterious."
The situation quickly escalated when the supposed hairball bit the unsuspecting Seymour. The freshman fled the bathroom, naked as a sexually frustrated SexPowerGod attendee, and immediately called Facilities, who detained the furry creature for further investigation.
The Biology Department requested a look at the animal upon learning of the uniquely camouflaged organism. They were excited to find that the animal was actually a rare species of domesticated squirrel.
In an informal hallway survey of whoever was bored enough to answer Seymour's questions, most students reported having seen the abnormally large mass of hair in the shower for two weeks prior to the incident.
"I guess I'm kind of relieved that it was just an unclean and possibly rabid animal and not the usual stuff we find in Keeney," said Elena Franco '13.
The creature did go unnoticed by some, such as Marcia Thomas '13. "As soon as I enter a communal bathroom I always adopt the motto of 'Hear no evil. See no evil. Feel no evil.' That way I don't have to know the identity of whoever recreated the Valentine's Day Massacre in the stall next to me. It's saved me thousands of dollars of therapy," said Thomas.
The squirrel has only been encountered once in recorded history-in a Russian gulag cell. What initially puzzled the Biology Department most was how the creature managed to survive for so long when it requires a steady diet of caviar, vodka, and Dostoyevsky.
"It's a surprisingly cultured animal considering its grimy appearance," said Biology Professor Fred Jens.
Further inspection of the bathroom did yield traces of caviar, possibly left over from a "Moscow Bros and St. Petersburg Hos" theme party thrown in 2003. Also uncovered was one mildewed copy of War & Peace, likely tossed into a corner out of frustration with Brown's notoriously challenging Russian Lit course, and several hundred gallons of Smirnoff that had seeped into the tile grout over many years.
Though the squirrel mystery is solved, Facilities now faces the problem of students blaming their other embarrassing bodily functions on strange natural phenomena. The organization would like to announce that it will not be responding to any more calls regarding "spontaneously-appearing regurgitated material," no matter how "mysterious."
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