The Brown Noser

Issue date: 2/26/10 Section: Campus Life

Media Credit: Sam Eilertsen Refugees were forced to subsist for days on rations of those gross chalky heart candies.

Valentine's Day has long been heralded as a day filled with love and boxes of chocolates, both the metaphorical and the delicious kinds. But this year Cupid's arrow struck far and wide, inflaming the passions of students and faculty alike all across campus and leading to a sexile epidemic unlike anything the University has ever experienced before. The holiday once respected for being the day on which love is found has quickly transformed into the day on which love is made.

Reports of these promiscuous quarantines maintain that the plague of horniness came on suddenly, beginning shortly before noon on Friday, February 12th. One of the first known incidents was recorded when freshman Peter Young was spotted hurriedly fleeing Champlain Hall.

Recounted Young: "I was in Mochamp with two of my friends, and then suddenly they looked at each other and it was like they weren't human anymore. I tried to talk to them but it was like they couldn't hear me. They just started going at each other and threw me out of the room, like sex-crazed zombies. To tell the truth I was kind of hoping for a threesome, but no dice."

Young's compatriots are being labeled as Patients 0 and 00 in what can only be described as a nymphomania epidemic. Within hours thousands of stories like Young's began emerging from sources across the campus.

"We were just trying to enjoy Chicken Finger Friday when the sex came," muttered Alice Brinks '11, clutching a torn piece of corduroy in her trembling hands. "It all just happened so fast… my roommate Sheena and I got separated for one second and the next thing I know she's stark naked dancing on the sandwich bar groaning 'SEXXXX!!! RARRRRR!!!' This is all that's left of her."

Even the largest of venues has fallen victim to this horribly sexy contagion, as sources have recalled seeing socks secured over the doors to the OMAC, Barus and Holley and the Rock.

"I was at a hockey game in Meehan when two players got into a fight on the ice," said Alicia Halpert '12. "Things were just starting to get heated, but suddenly the punches turned to slaps and then the slaps turned into caresses and then they were just on top of each other. I think they're still in there, doing the nasty. They've got the whole damn stadium sexiled."

Continued...

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