The Brown Noser

Issue date: 2/26/10 Section: Sports

Media Credit: Sam Eilertsen Usain Bolt hangs his head in shame after spending the night with the bronze medalist in Bulgarian women's weightlifting.

Providence resident Sahil Modi was no stranger to the walk of shame. As a self-proclaimed people-watcher and a court-proclaimed stalker, he had seen it all before. Until now.

The reason? A high-speed sprint of shame.

It was reported that on Feb 15th, at approximately 9:32 A.M., Kristen Gallo, a freshman at Brown University, collided with Modi outside Pembroke campus, at a speed reported to have been as high as 20 mph, bruising his torso and puncturing his lung with her heel. Modi, though still hospitalized, is expected to make a full recovery and acquire an interesting story to tell at cocktail parties. However, this disturbing event has sparked a campus-wide investigation.

According to DPS, the recent spike in high-speed walk of shame collisions is most likely due to the recent reports that Providence has once again entered a deathly ice age. "I never meant to hurt anyone," explained Gallo in a recent interview to the Noser, "I just stepped outside and felt like a popsicle. Not a cool popsicle, like a flintstone push up, but some lame-ass homemade juice cube with freezer burn. Then I knew: I had to be a rocket pop. That's when I took off."

Moreover, Gallo is not the only one who fears the weather. "I checked weather.com so I could complain about how cold I was," stated that one Hawaiian kid wearing shorts, "and you know what happened? My computer froze. LITERALLY. INTO A BLOCK OF ICE. No way this would ever happen on the big island!" He added proudly, "Humuhumunukunukuapua'a."

Providence police have already received multiple reports of fast-paced-stampedes of female students down Thayer Street. As proven by Modi's unfortunate accident, they caution that even in small numbers sprinters of shame can be deadly. "She was running so fast I couldn't tell if it was a girl or Usain Bolt in stilettos," claims one eyewitness. In addition, a second bystander reported that in an act of sheer desperation, one sprinter-of-shame emerged from the grad center, falcon-punched a police officer from his horse, and galloped back to her room in Keeney.

Due to the recent concerns regarding public safety, according to the university, short-term action must be taken immediately. For the first time since the ice age of 1973, SafeRide will begin to circulate the dorms from the hours of 8-10 a.m. Potential walkers of shame are strongly encouraged to take advantage of the opportunity. As veteran SafeRide driver Allan Hughes so eloquently put it, "Ladies, things tend to get kinky. I understand. But seriously, stop sprinting like lunatics. Trust me, the SafeRide shuttles will be the nicest thing you will have ridden all weekend anyways."

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