POINT: I See You're Standing at That Urinal Not Peeing / COUNTERPOINT: It's Hard to Urinate With You Staring Me in the Face
Sandy Student vs. Alexander Rosenberg
Issue date: 4/23/10 Section: Opinion
POINT: I See You're Standing at That Urinal Not Peeing
Hey, man. How are you? Haven't seen you in a little while. I know, work's been heavy. You have any plans for summer?
Say, I just happened to notice that you're standing at that urinal, but I don't hear any sound to indicate that you're doing anything more than that. And I have to be honest, it's creeping me out. I mean, I heard you unzip your fly as I walked into the bathroom. With what nefarious intent did you come in here? It's cool. You can tell me, man. After all, we've been bros for about as long as we've been at school. I just wish you would take care of your business at that urinal before telling me. Maybe you got an important text message? Yeah, I bet that's it. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around what reason you could have for standing in front of that urinal, fly unzipped, and, as I'm now seeing from this fresh new angle I'm standing at, no cell phone in your hands.
You know what? I'll just go into this stall over here and let you get back to whatever you were…
Oh, dammit, I have to know. Why weren't you peeing?
COUNTERPOINT: It's Hard to Urinate With You Staring Me in the Face
Oh yeah, hi. I think I remember you from- was it Intro to Christianity? Or did I meet you at that Art House party? Is it Sammy? Andy? Oh, yeah, Sandy, hi, sure. Well, it's a nuclear blast to run into you again, but if you don't mind I have some…
I beg your pardon? Why am I not peeing?
Listen, I'm not saying my stream doesn't leave much to be desired. But so would yours, if your Writing Fellow was staring at your impressive organ while you were making your attempt. Have you ever heard of stage fright? Some people have difficulty relieving themselves of liquid waste while undergoing a heated debate regarding the activity at hand.
I've heard of bathroom conversation, but what are you, the Grand Inquisitor? And I'm not even circumcised!
Yes, I know you know that. Alright, Sandy, let's give this one more go. I'll concede that you won our little urinal staring contest, finish my business, leave this bathroom, and get back to not seeing you until the next time our Intramural Softball teams compete. Capisce?
I'm starting to wonder, though, as I listen to the crisp sound of your stream making forceful contact with the water: Why are you able to let loose with such force and ease while carrying out complex interrogation techniques?
The intense stares, the pointed questions- it's all coming together! You, sir, are unable to urinate without carrying out a conversation! And I will shout it from the rooftops, I will mention it in letters to the editor, and I will finally get revenge for my humiliation at your hands today.
Hold on, though. First I've got to pee something fierce.
Hey, man. How are you? Haven't seen you in a little while. I know, work's been heavy. You have any plans for summer?
Say, I just happened to notice that you're standing at that urinal, but I don't hear any sound to indicate that you're doing anything more than that. And I have to be honest, it's creeping me out. I mean, I heard you unzip your fly as I walked into the bathroom. With what nefarious intent did you come in here? It's cool. You can tell me, man. After all, we've been bros for about as long as we've been at school. I just wish you would take care of your business at that urinal before telling me. Maybe you got an important text message? Yeah, I bet that's it. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around what reason you could have for standing in front of that urinal, fly unzipped, and, as I'm now seeing from this fresh new angle I'm standing at, no cell phone in your hands.
You know what? I'll just go into this stall over here and let you get back to whatever you were…
Oh, dammit, I have to know. Why weren't you peeing?
COUNTERPOINT: It's Hard to Urinate With You Staring Me in the Face
Oh yeah, hi. I think I remember you from- was it Intro to Christianity? Or did I meet you at that Art House party? Is it Sammy? Andy? Oh, yeah, Sandy, hi, sure. Well, it's a nuclear blast to run into you again, but if you don't mind I have some…
I beg your pardon? Why am I not peeing?
Listen, I'm not saying my stream doesn't leave much to be desired. But so would yours, if your Writing Fellow was staring at your impressive organ while you were making your attempt. Have you ever heard of stage fright? Some people have difficulty relieving themselves of liquid waste while undergoing a heated debate regarding the activity at hand.
I've heard of bathroom conversation, but what are you, the Grand Inquisitor? And I'm not even circumcised!
Yes, I know you know that. Alright, Sandy, let's give this one more go. I'll concede that you won our little urinal staring contest, finish my business, leave this bathroom, and get back to not seeing you until the next time our Intramural Softball teams compete. Capisce?
I'm starting to wonder, though, as I listen to the crisp sound of your stream making forceful contact with the water: Why are you able to let loose with such force and ease while carrying out complex interrogation techniques?
The intense stares, the pointed questions- it's all coming together! You, sir, are unable to urinate without carrying out a conversation! And I will shout it from the rooftops, I will mention it in letters to the editor, and I will finally get revenge for my humiliation at your hands today.
Hold on, though. First I've got to pee something fierce.
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